Ask Him, Do not Tell

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe firmly in male led relationships. Our readers often send us links to other "Stepford" communities and ask for our opinion. One we girls read recently had us laughing out loud.

When asking your man for permission to do something, you actually need to ask. Not tell him, you're going to it in a sneaky way by saying something like, 'I’m considering going out, when is a good time you’d like me to be back?”'

Some women quite wrongly believe that couching a "question" with the word 'thinking' or in this case 'considering' makes it easier or softens the blow. Make no mistake that the wife really saying this, "I'm going out". The only thing she's actually asking her man is what time does she need to be back. It's sneaky and subversive, ultimately telling her man that his control only extends to what she feels comfortable with.

How should a proper Stepford Wife handle this? First there should be no emergency trips to the grocery store because a real Stepford wife has all that organized. However, lets suggest that something is wrong with an ingredient. You open that package of chicken and it smells off.

You go to your man and apologize that the chicken you got isn't safe to cook, then you ask your man what you shouid do. He might suggest that you defrost a steak instead. Don't tell him that you're going to the store, would he like you to pick something up while you're out. Again, this isn't asking, but telling him. A good Stepford Wife should ask.

If a girlfriend calls you and asks you to an afternoon of lunch and shopping, you say to her first you'll have to ask your husband.

You begin this conversation with, 'Sir, Melanie phoned about possibly going to lunch and some shopping on Saturday at 12:30pm, would it be okay?' This leaves it up to your man. He has information about who you'll be seeing when you'll be leaving where roughly you're going.

If he likes 'Melanie' and doesn't find her a negative influence, he might reply with "yes". Then you ask the follow up questions. What time would you like me home by? What shouid I eat for lunch and how much shouid I plan on spending? And then ask if you can buy anything. It's actually ok to remind him about upcoming events (like his brother's wedding), that a good sale might be useful for some purchases. In any event, you know how much you can spend on lunch, a good idea of what to order, if you can buy anything or if you're just window shopping, and what time to return home.

if he responds with "no" thank him and telephone 'Melanie' back explaining that you can't make it.

We at the (real) Stepford Wives Association do believe in humble submission to our husbands and eschew the faux submission promoted by closeted women's libbers, under the guise of pretending to be submissive. We believe in showing and demonstrating class in an increasingly lacking world.

 

The Buzz

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association adore the holiday season as its a time to show the men in our lives some extra attention. Our families are the only reason for the season. However, this holiday seems overshadowed with messages about "girl power". It seems in the latest Star Wars film the main character is a girl. While we would never argue that there's anything wrong with this, it seems there's a shift in our society that overlooks men.

We spend so much energy building up the female sex, we've forgotten they're only half the population. While people stand up and cheer that this character won't require rescuing by some other male character, we can't help but to feel slighted.

What's so wrong about portraying men as the leaders and protectors most naturally are? What happens to these girls when they enter the real world and learn not everything revolves around them? Or will the world continue to placate them and dupe them into thinking they're more important than men?

If not every man is fit to be called a leader, why should be assumed that any woman can do it? Why does the girl power thing need to shoved down society's throat at each turn? When will balance be restored to our society, where one gender isn't given preferential treatment over another?

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association do believe that women were made to compliment men, not rule over them. We feel it's a shame that we're made to feel less for not buying into the girl power line of thought.

 

My Daughter Wants to be a Stepford Wife

That was the title of an email a member received recently. The person went on to berate them, because they reposted a not-to-recent post from this journal on Facebook. It led them to our journal and was the reason for the unflattering email. Why should this be an issue anyway?

We, at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, would be pleased to have our daughters follow in our footsteps. Often we do worry they might be misled by shiny promises of becoming the next CEO or even political leader. We do not believe that women cannot be leaders, we simply believe they should not be leaders and support the men in their lives.

More and more women are learning how fulfilling allowing a man to lead can be. We have learned while we might possess many of the skill sets to be in control, we aren't comfortable being in powerful positions and crumble under the pressure. Men, we understand are much more comfortable with power, and do not crumble so easily.

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe strongly that female submission isn't horrible and being labeled a Stepford wife isn't a burden. It's what we were born to do.

2015

It is a new year full of new beginnings for our membership. We renewed our focus in remaining submissive to our husbands. We, at The (real) Stepford Wives Association would like to thank them for continuing to guide us toward our lofty goal of female perfection.

Gentle reader, do not be put off or misled by the word perfect. Yes, it carries hefty weight, but it's never been about what we think to be perfection, but rather what our husbands view as perfection. The definition is as varied as they are. This year we resolve to be more introspect regarding our individual goals.

During the year, we will be discussing ways to make our homes more enjoyable for our husbands. We hope you'll join us in making 2015 the year for us al to become better wives and eschew what label society hangs on us and become our husband's version of perfection.

We, at The (real) Stepford Wives Association welcome all to 2015, and let's make it a Stepford year.

 

Being a Stepford Wife

We, at the (real) Stepford Wives Association often discuss about being a Stepfrod Wife and how to be the best wife to our husbands. It isn't about being "perfect" but perfect for them. Being the way they wish us to behave, dress, cook and keep house. We are not a "retro" group. We do not surround ourselves with everything from the 1950s or earlier. Sure, some might wear vintage clothing. We prefer modern vacuum cleaners to the ones our Grandmothers used. Of course, hand scrubbing floors is always preferable to other meathods. A little white distilled vinegar, some warm water and your floors will sparkle. Dry the floors as you go to prevent danamge to hardwood.

Good old fashioned elbow grease is always preferable to many modern appliances.

We avoid using food processors for a good set of knives, unless absolutely necessary. However there is one item, our stand mixers and that's used frequently for all the bread, cakes and the Kitchen Aid stand mixer has many attachments, like a juicer, pasta and sausage maker. We appreciate having one good tool that can serve many purposes.

The internet has a wealth of information but if one searches "Being a Stepford Wife" aside from this place you find many blogs or websites just talk about emulating the movie -- not even the book! Wear flowery pastels because that's what the women wore in the movie and never mind if your husband hates that look!

Which brings us to the final point, if we are under their command and authority, who are we to decide what is "Stepford" enough? That's for them to dictate. They demand a clean home, a well-kept wife and mother to their children, as well as sexually satisfying for them. They want a woman to behave as a lady and not try to do his job of being a man. Our communication with our husbands is far stronger than those marriages outside our circle of Stepford. We can truly go to them for any reason at all, especially if we are feeling overwhelmed or bogged down. They empower us, by taking control. Thus placing us in the position to lift their spirits when they're stressed and provide them with love and balance they deserve.

 

Proper Dress

We, at The (real) Stepford Wives truly adore fashion. We do not, however presume what our husbands would prefer. We discuss at length and pay close attention to any critissm they might have. For example my husband Derek absolutely hates flowery dresses or anything with ruffles, bows or lace. His friend, Paul, who's wife is also a sister in Stepford loves to dress his wife in stately clothing that's decidedly retro. Their friend Rick, prefers his wife to look ultra feminine, with flowery pastels.

We at The (real) Stepford Wives association go according to what they prefer, but above all else we conform to a certain style. We strive to be thin, because that adds to our fragile appearance. Many of us wear corsets and garter belts. There's no shame in a good girdle if your hips are larger than you wouid prefer. We exercise and take good care of ourselves, since our appearance is important and to our husbands like all men...Apperances count.

 

Happy New Year

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe strongly in a well organized life. What better way to begin but the start of a whole new year? The calendar is clear, and the year begins fresh and shiny. It's also time to exchange the red and green for gold and white. Out with the old and in with new (year).

Have plenty of champagne for good cheer as we and our sisters in Stepford, begin the year in style.

Our first tip is once the Christmas decorations are put away, the tree taken down, the thank you notes written and mailed, it's time to go through the mountain of cards. It's the perfect opportunity to update your card list, and double check mailing addresses. Also, make special notes of children's names and ages so your never caught unawares. Make a resolution to keep in touch more than once per year. If your not close enough to warrant a phone call, you might want to rethink if they're worth the effort of a stamp.

Buy all your birthday cards for the year in early January. Make a list, check it twice, address the envelope, and file it by month. We shy away from prewriting them out, but for some it might be appropriate. Others might want to include something more personal note -- such as mentioning a big vacation they recently took.

Also take a moment to write down each birthday on your calendar, including children. Don't forget important coworkers of your husband, including spouses and anniversary or celebratory occasions. Our husbands always marvel at how we keep all those important dates. Also, when purchasing cards, add a few blank (not too feminine) and others such as, condolence, get well, congratulations and just generic "thinking of you." January is the perfect time to make sure you have few extra of each type in addition to all those important cards. Update throughout the year, when you buy special occasion cards (Valentimes, Mother's Day, etc). Next December begin constructing next year's list.

Start the year with clean sheets. It sounds silly, but beginning the year with all the wash, all the cleaning, all the beds with spanking clean bedding is a most fine way to begin the year.

Make a sound resolution to be the best reflection of your husband and embrace more the fact that everything you do is really for him and because of him.

 

Taboo Topics

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association routinely shirk political discussions with anyone outside of our husbands but recently a person inquired if our religious beliefs are interwoven with our Stepfordness. The answer to that is no, in fact we are diverse when it comes to religions we do not endorse a particular faith, instead we applaud all women who seek their husband's to be family leaders. Our membership ranges from Jewish, Protestant, a former Roman Catholic turned Atheist and Buddhist. We welcome all who have spiritual connection to faith or none at all; so long as they wish to submit to their husbands authority.

Another question is about the fictional character "Bree" from the ABC show Desperate Housewives. Simply put, we do not feel Bree is a Stepford Wife because she refused to submit to her husband. We do submit to our husbands and everything we do is for them. We respect their authority and never question them or behave hostilely toward them. While the character of Bree seems adept at cooking, cleaning and smiling -- all while wearing pearls; she will not submit and uses her smile with other abilities to control rather than enhance her husband. In the simplest of terms Bree is a control freak and that is not Stepford.

We do not submit for biblical reasons we submit because it's right to do. We support the values of those who do, but it is not a reason we look for. We submit because our husbands are worthy of it. They lead and guide us in all ways and we are happy they do.

Needs Vs Wants

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association are often beset with queries as to how we determine what we really need as opposed to what we actually want. The bitter truth is, for us, we leave it to our husbands to decide that for us. Real "needs" such as tires for the car or a new comforter or sheet set for the bed are met with little opposition -- so long as the older ones are shabby, torn or plane worn out. If our vacuum breaks down and cannot be repaired, then it becomes a need.

Sometimes there are things we'd love to have, but our husbands see little point, for example a crock pot, might be lovely for some to own but not us. We have time to cook meals without the use of a slow-cooker. We do not disparage those who do utilize one, but our husband's have determined all on their own that we survive just fine without one. We do not have the latest shiny gadgets either because we don't need them. iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever are for our husbands to utilize and not for us. Sometimes they will offer their older one for us to use -- and we appreciate that.

We do not waste our time idly dreaming up wish lists of the latest cleaning gadget either. We have our own tried snd true methods for cleaning that involve mostly a little Comet and a whole lot of elbow grease. We clean our homes from top to bottom each day and the whole home just sparkles because you never know when something might come up. Our closets and drawers are appointed snd never just thrown about willy-nilly. We dispise a closet in disarray as much as we dispise a mussy appearance.

We are hospitable and charitable but continue with our tasks when non-Stepford friends come calling. We do not chat or Skype or daydream about our lives we're far to busy living them! We teach our daughters to be good wives and mothers.

 

Always Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it’s breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shining through

for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near

That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile what’s the use of crying

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you’ll just

Smile

If we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association had a personal credo (other than to serve men) it would be to simply smile. This simple song written by Charlie Chaplin personifies perfectly what we believe deep inside. We smile. How we feel inside, angry, hurt, frustrated; we do not cry out in anger, we smile through it.

We never falsely feign happiness, we simply are happy and even if we are sad, we outwardly show and demonstrate happiness. We are thrilled with our husbands and the lives they afforded us to live. We remain composed and poised to handle the challenges of modern living wearing our best smile as reflection of our very lives. This is our most beneficial and important asset and it's never false. Our smiles are completely genuine. We are just that happy!

When we do become down or blue we remind ourselves how difficult our husbands must have it, being around people who rarely smile, save for after work. We remind ourselves of all the people so much more less fortunate than ourselves.

It gets us through whatever we are going through, well that and hugely tidy home with healthy children. Plus we have The (real) Stepford Wives Association to help and to see us through. It is also a large reason how we earned our pearls.

 

Seen but Never Heard

We at The (real) Stepford Wvies Association believe our husbands are entitled to whatever they wish -- we suppose what they most often crave is quiet. It is incumbent upon us to spend most of time waiting to be useful to them and not be a bother. Idle chatter is distracting for our husbands. They spend hours of the day dealing with things we simply cannot comprehend but we also must adapt and learn to curb our enthusiasm when they return home.

Sometimes we do have important things to share with them, but the reality is most days those things can wait. It's important and we cannot stress this enough to spend plenty of time looking our best. We should be eye candy and not flapping away about something trivial.

When we are escorted by our husband out for an evening, we proudly shine like a bauble for their pleasure. When we serve our husbands dinner, we do so much like a good maid would. Quietly! And we take it rather personally when we leave something out, we know they would ask for. We make no excuses or yell that we know or it's coming -- but we apologize and quickly get the missing item.

During outtings with our husbands we remain quiet and wait for them to speak to us. We are always free to ask questions or make a request -- such as on a hot day to ask for water, but we do always try to see to their needs before our own. We arrange things the way they like them -- for example in restaurants it's common for the table to be cluttered -- we remove those things to an adjacent table if we know our husbands will not touch them.

My husband will often order iced tea with lunch -- I immediately when the waiter brings it, begin adding the sweetener he likes and squeeze the lemon. Then I serve it to him. Same with coffee at the end of the meal -- it is placed the way he likes it by me.

Remaining quiet is difficult, yet it's also rewarding because it makes our husbands very happy and proud. We always want them to be proud. Endless prattle is not how we gain their approval. We gain it through our silence and submission.

 

Cleaning Up

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association know its sometimes taxing to keep up on mundane chores whilst keeping the rest of the home up to what

we refer to as 'Stepford Snuff'.' During the long summer months with children home from school, it seems endless for the good wife who refuses to feed her children snacks on paper plates.

It is for this reason we adhere to strict summer schedules for eating and snacks. Breakfast is served promptly at 7:30am -- same as when school is in session. After all out husbands need to eat and we are not a restaurant.

Lunch is served around 11:30 - 12:00pm and normally consists of a left-over from the previous dinner. Usually with a twist, chicken can be cubed and made into chicken salad. Roast beef is shredded and mixed with a sauce or left-gravy and served as sliders. Vegetables are non-negotiable and neither is fruit. Children do not eat nearly enough fruits and vegetables.

The long haul is for dinner time which for us is normally 7pm. So it's smart to provide a good snack between 2:30 - 4:30pm (which is also on school days when some of our children get home). After cooking dinner, take a few minutes to freshen your makeup and prepare a beverage for your husband. Greet him with a smile and know you have accomplished it another day.

 

 

Take it Slow

To live in a world where only one trip to the store a week was needed!

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe in being well organized, we do not believe, and our husbands would never approve of being wasteful, only buying enough food for several days. We believe in making lists -- in fact we do not shop without a list. We consider it wrong to leave the home dressed is dungarees; the way our mothers would frown on being seeing seen in public with their hair in curlers. We are a direct reflection of our husbands.

With our list in our sometimes gloved hand, we walk slowly down each aisle. Paying deep attention to both sides. We never want to appear rushed. Our lists are constructed in a specific order based on the store. Each store has its own way of arranging where items are located. Some stores actually offer a map to savvy customers of the store's layout. Knowing exactly what is on each shelf saves time. So, while we walk slowly with purpose, we never forget anything or miss an item so we have to back track.

We do not always begin at the start of store, many of us choose to begin at the meat counter, before moving to the produce section. these, often are rarely within the same proximity. However beginning at the butcher or meat counter is best, since your produce selections might be altered if you discover lamb chops are on special -- and it's your husband's favorite. You might decide to add some mint -- which means returning to the produce section. However if you begin in the butcher counter, then move to produce.

You'll be happy you tried it.

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association feel its best to make your list as you use things and check the cabinets before you leave. Keep the reusable shopping bags handy, as you walk out the door. Also, if you use a smart phone, it can be a good place to keep your lists.

It Had Been a Normal Day

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association rarely pay attention to the news. If we have anything on, it's generally our home stereo systems, playing music that inspires us. We do not waste time idly in front of the television (in fact most of us never turn it on -- that's really for our husbands to decide). We spend our time, cleaning running errands or other community actives.

Late Monday morning Mrs P Souris was at her eldest son's school getting ready for a silent auction to benefit the math department. Mrs T Lowenstein was running on the gym treadmill before going to Target. Mrs A. Myers was having her teeth cleaned at the dentist, and Mrs S. Donovan was doing her laundry while catching up on cleaning her oven.

We all planned to meet later that evening at Mrs Souris' home for a delightful pot-luck meal and a night of playing Hearts while our husbands watched a game. Vera was first to arrive and broke the news to us about the events in Oklahoma just hours before. While our hearts immediately went out to the people effected and we made arrangements to gather some clothing and other essentials to send to the area, we were also, blissfully unaware.

It should be noted Vera is not a Stepford Wife, and frankly would never be considered for membership, as she is simply not Stepford Wife material but a good friend nonetheless. Our husbands were proud we hadn't a clue about what was going on, especially Mr Souris, who goes to great lengths to protect his wife from unpleasantness. He kissed his wife's cheek and assured her -- along with the rest of us we were right not to worry about such matters.

We make no excuses for existing in our bubble and being unaware of such a horrible event. We all live on the left coast, and far away from Oklahoma, so it isn't unusual that people weren't captivated by the news here the way they were in other parts of the country. However it does highlight something important to us -- we got on quite well not knowing. For us the earth continued to spin.

It cannot be understated our hearts, prayers and thoughts go out to those most affected. Still, we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association remain pleased we held onto our convictions and remained completely unaware of the events. We encourage our fellow sisters in Stepford to live by our example, keeping our focus on our family and daily chores. For us it was thankfully a very normal day.

Mrs Peter Lowenstein

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe strongly that marriage is a wonderful institution. When we married our husbands we were no longer simply "Becki Jones" or 'Stefanie Goodhead' we became Mrs. Peter Lowenstein and Mrs Barnaby Singleton. We are proud of our husbands names and wear them proudly. Their monogram is our own. Some years ago a major department chain announced they would,refer to guests as Mr or Ms., and this was met with a public outcry.

We would argue fervently the chain was correct sales clerks do no know us personally and referring to us by our first name alone is a bit too personal. Some groups said the idea was antiquated and terribly out of date. Let us make something clear, they only reason they know our names at all is because they got them off our credit card. They didn't ask for friendship and we aren't looking for a friend either. We are there simply to shop.

We went to our husbands and asked for their thoughts on this distressing subject. Their personal approach was varied. Some insisted on giving their wives cash for daily purchases, while others took a different approach instead reordering all the cards in their name only. When paying, they sign add the obligatory "Mrs" to their name on the receipt. Occasionally this was met with opposition. Banks and card issuers didn't care much for this approach -- and it can cause problems for our husbands as well -- if the credit number is corrupted, the issuer can say that he somehow authorized an illegal purchase. It simply creates more problems than its worth.

The best way this is handled is to carry cash for mundane purchases while our husband's provide escort for larger purchases that require a card. This also assures that our husbands approve of the purchase. it's a win! No longer are we plagued by pesky sales people towing the corporate line under the guise of being "friendly".

It solidifies the fact that our name is really their name and we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association wouldn't want it any other way!

 

Sisterhood

 

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association cheerfully, recognize the importance of sisterhood in maintaining our husbands authority over us. We take great comfort in the fact that so many other people share our views.

We help each other remain on task. We discuss new and exciting ways of pleasing our husbands. We can discuss with equal freedom the times we stumble and fail in our lofty aspirations. We have all failed at one time to mindfully hold our tongues. We have encroached on their territory. We have spoken out of turn.

While we admit these failings we also renew a promise to try harder. To keep our homes spotless, to love our husbands without placing societal demands or restrictions on them. In return our husbands offer their respect and protection freely. We submit to our husband's authority not because we're old fashioned but because they deserve our submission.

Spring is the time of renewals and fresh starts and we applaud all our readers and fellow sisters in Stepford, who faithfully companion us on our continued journey.

 

Dining

The greatest pleasure for us at The (real) Stepford Wives Association is the joy we derive from preparing a healthful meal for our husbands and children. Each evening is a presentation of our devotion. Is every meal perfect? No, sometimes we fail to deliver a glorious meal. Sometimes the recipe just isn't very good and doesn't meet with our husband's approval. If he's not delighted, no one is.

We dog-ear that recipe and file it away. Most of our weekday concoctions are quite simple, utilizing a few ingredients. Some meals are quite simple, and we'll admit lack elegance. But we serve it to our husbands with an apology, and love. It doesn't happen too often. We add touches to simple meals, like a pleasant aioli to spoon over the vegetables.

Olive oil with infused herbs, to dip bread (fresh baked of course) or mixed with balsamic vinegar as a dressing for field greens. We do try to incorporate a bit of fresh fruit whenever possible. Like pears, blue cheese and arugula as a fun salad course.

Regardless of the meal, we always serve our husbands first, then our children, saving ourselves for last.

 

To Thine Own Self...

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, understand thoroughly that we can only control our behavior and influence our children's behavior. We cannot control other adults in our lives. This includes our girlfriends, sisters, family and above all else, our husbands. We spend our energies on things, which are important to us. We clean, we cook, we run errands and we are there for our husbands -- because this is what matters. We do not have careers outside the home -- and we do not look down on those who do (please extend us a similar courtesy). Our homes are our careers and our life experiences come not from the evening news, but from our own backyard.

It is not that we don't care about the outside world, but there really isn't much we could do to effect change. Angry letters to politicians and political pundits will only get us so far. We instead devote ourselves to the things we can achieve -- rather than unobtainable pie-in-the-sky dreams. We can and do achieve a clean house, relatively germ and allergen free, we help to raise thoughtful children who are courteous. We are blessed to live in nice homes...why shouldn't they shine? Our husbands work very hard to provide for us a good life. We are not wealthy. We believe in being frugal with money and live within our means. Our husbands set the standard and the budget and we never question his purchases.

We cannot be responsible for what our husbands think, we are not in anyway accountable for their actions. We are only accountable for our own, which are defined by them!

Our homes are our domaine and our famiy's sanctuary, which we strive to make it comfortable. We dress only for our husbands, some of whom pick out our clothing. We put on makeup, fix our hair and wear perfume, even if we do not leave our homes. Before our husbands return home from work, we do make a point to freshen up our appearance. We also take a few minutes to tidy the house. Our husbands certainly appreciate the efforts.

When we do need to leave our homes, we only do so with our husband's expressed permission. When we shop, we move slowly through the store and neatly arrange items into our cart. We are to never appear rushed or harried. You will absolutely never ever find one of us running through a store in our pj's tossing items into the basket.

We offer our husbands sexual pleasure on their schedule alone. When they want it, we open ourselves up to them. Orgasm is their right, not ours. Do not misunderstand this, our husbands want us sexually satisfied, but they do not worry about it. If it happens for us, wonderful but it is our purpose to give them the pleasure they deserve.

We enjoy pleasing our husbands orally and do not expect it to be reciprocal. We prepare healthful meals, with our husband's dietary needs placed first, then those of our children. Some might lament, how unfair! We disagree with that philosophy, because our needs fall squarely in between them.

An Exercise in Patience

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe whole-heartily in real world examples of why we came to live the Stepford way. While some might "cherry pick" ideals they find repulsive or that go against the grain of their feminist beliefs, if they carefully read through these pages they will have a deeper understanding of how we have chosen to live our lives.

One exercise we found terribly useful was to write down, physically putting pen to paper, 5 ways we tried to control our husbands.

After we asked them to answer the following for each, what would happen if you suddenly gave up control on each of those things? What would happen? Would the world stop revolving? Well, we agree that would not be the outcome -- but the question remains what is the worst thing that would happen? How do you think your husband feels when you correct him or nag him?

Once you recognize this is really about fears, terrifying and often debilitating fear, you begin to gain the courage to face your fears. Let go slowly each of those things on your list. Begin apologizing when you catch yourself doing them (remember girls Rome wasn't built in a day).

Next write down what were the qualities that you husband possessed during your courtship that made you wish to marry him the first place? Did you go into the marriage with the notion that he'd be perfect once you changed him?

If the answer is yes, then we have nothing further to discuss -- you may stop reading content in your superior knowledge; please continue emasculating your husband since it allows you to feel better about yourself.

However if by chance you married your husband without the intent to change him, but simply lost your way and want to change the behavior then these pages are for you.

Earlier this year while meeting a good friend for coffee, as I listened carefully to my friend's lamentations about her husband. It seemed she was concerned with leaving the baby home alone With her husband. Because, you know, he's a man and stupid. As I listened it occurred to me that it could have been me saying this. What was the worst thing that could happen? The child's meal might be late? The diaper might explode? The truth is she was simply afraid of letting go of her control. She had the upper hand in their relationship or at least that part of it. But with all that concern and worry, she was denying herself a carefree afternoon.

Most women control their husbands because they're afraid their needs will go unmet.

When I pointed this out to her, she scoffed. But a week or so later, she phoned me, and wanted to meet again. We met with some of our Stepford sisters, and discussed freely our ideals. I believe it was Mrs Lowenstein who pointed out that she will never know what my friend's husband is capable of, until she let go of her fear and find out, by sitting back. She went on to explain she'll never know the man she married, unless she stops controlling and manipulating outcomes.

In the end, my friend discovered that she could better meet her own needs, when she let go of trying to control her husband. Now this friend has immersed herself into the Stepford way of life. Her home is cleaner, her children happier and husband more fulfilled. Her needs are now easily met. She learned that when she dominated her husband, it ebbed her fears and made her feel safe. Taking the time to give up that control, she learned her husband could indeed protect her.

For her birthday, her husband purchased a diamond earrings. Completely on his own without her advice, something he would never have dared to do before.

How and Why the Stepford Way Works

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, learned early on what we needed to do, foster the confidence back into our husbands, which we ourselves were responsible for damaging. When we decided and became determined to change our lives and those of our husbands, it began in small steps. The first was suppressing the need to simply take over a task. Once my husband was hanging a shelf. He had approached the activity in a way that made sense to him. Now, in my old days I might have attempted to correct him. To tell him flat out he was doing it wrong. To take over. After all, I had hung shelves myself.

In the end, despite my misgivings the shelf was indeed fine, perfectly level. He'd just had a different process for getting a similar result.

The first step in the way of the Stepford wife way is to when you roll your eyes, which is very unbecoming, apologize at once. If you begin to criticize your husband for any reason, stop and apologize. Tell him why your sorry. "I apologize for trying to tell you (how to hang the shelf, help your child with homework, how he handles the finances)...."

Next you carefully listen to his reply.

Now the urge to validate your criticism...or to minimize it, will be strong by saying, "It's just I've hung shelves before...Little Timmy is sensitive...it's just I pay all the bills on paydays."

Do not do this!

When you do that, you're being disrespectful again. And you'll have to apologize again. Listen carefully to his reply, then echo back what he says so he knows you heard him, and so it sinks into your own thick head. Don't add anything else and let it drop. If anyone must hear your complaints, let it be your sisters who understand that your husband is not some careless cad.

In our first meetings, the very women who would become my sisters in Stepford, discussed in some detail transgressions of our husbands -- well, to put it indelicately ridiculous behavior. One pulled down expensive window shades, hung them outside and used the garden hose to clean them. While they were indeed ruined, we reminded her this was the same man who waited on her hand and foot while she was pregnant and ordered on bed rest. After their child was born he would routinely walk the floors to give her a break. How could she hold a mistake, even an albeit costly mistake against him?

Errors and lapses in judgement are common with humans. Our husbands will often go about things in ways we simply would not dream.

What I learned in watching a close friend, was that she always deferred and demurred to her husband and allowed him to lead. Yet, it didn't degrade her relationship in the least, instead it fostered incredible intimacy. They had a level of intimacy that quite honestly made me jealous. Anytime we would get together I would pick her brain trying to understand how their relationship works.

What I learned from her I began to do in my own marriage. Instead of starting arguments I took the high road and ended them before they started by apologizing. What happened next, my husband began asking for my opinion, before he did something. Treating him with more respect for us meant letting go of my superior feelings toward him. It meant trusting him more and slowly him demonstrating how trustworthy he was.

Why it works is basic psychology, we give up control to gain power. Take the situation between our long-term sister in Stepford Mrs Bauor, who felt her husband so incompetent she felt the need to direct him from the moment he woke until he went to bed. Endlessly nagging him about what he wore, the route he picked to drive, where they parked the car, how he brushed his teeth, thee amount of money he spent on incidentals. Mrs Bauor was exhausted from controlling everything. Her husband had begun an affair with a younger woman -- certainly they were headed for divorce.

I introduced Mrs Bauor to Mrs Lowenstein, the two became fast friends, Mrs Bauor saw the way Mrs Lowenstein interacted with her own husband (they had recently married after a long courtship). Mrs Lowenstein stated simply, she never argued with her husband -- and learned long ago to let go of pettiness. Mrs Lowenstein suggested that Mrs Bauor stop at once the nagging and controlling behavior that was evidentially driving her husband away.

She began slowly, in small ways like one day she didn't set out his clothing or pick out his tie. She focused on her household and child rearing duties almost exclusively. She began to ask him about what he wanted to eat for meals and involved him more in the financial process -- until he mostly took it over. He began setting the budget for shopping -- because she asked him to.

He understood much more clearly how much money was being spent, and how much was wasted on things that did not matter. She learned in the process that he was far more responsible than she gave him credit for. Together they rekindled their romance, he ended the affair and together they saved their marriage.