We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, learned early on what we needed to do, foster the confidence back into our husbands, which we ourselves were responsible for damaging. When we decided and became determined to change our lives and those of our husbands, it began in small steps. The first was suppressing the need to simply take over a task. Once my husband was hanging a shelf. He had approached the activity in a way that made sense to him. Now, in my old days I might have attempted to correct him. To tell him flat out he was doing it wrong. To take over. After all, I had hung shelves myself.
In the end, despite my misgivings the shelf was indeed fine, perfectly level. He'd just had a different process for getting a similar result.
The first step in the way of the Stepford wife way is to when you roll your eyes, which is very unbecoming, apologize at once. If you begin to criticize your husband for any reason, stop and apologize. Tell him why your sorry. "I apologize for trying to tell you (how to hang the shelf, help your child with homework, how he handles the finances)...."
Next you carefully listen to his reply.
Now the urge to validate your criticism...or to minimize it, will be strong by saying, "It's just I've hung shelves before...Little Timmy is sensitive...it's just I pay all the bills on paydays."
Do not do this!
When you do that, you're being disrespectful again. And you'll have to apologize again. Listen carefully to his reply, then echo back what he says so he knows you heard him, and so it sinks into your own thick head. Don't add anything else and let it drop. If anyone must hear your complaints, let it be your sisters who understand that your husband is not some careless cad.
In our first meetings, the very women who would become my sisters in Stepford, discussed in some detail transgressions of our husbands -- well, to put it indelicately ridiculous behavior. One pulled down expensive window shades, hung them outside and used the garden hose to clean them. While they were indeed ruined, we reminded her this was the same man who waited on her hand and foot while she was pregnant and ordered on bed rest. After their child was born he would routinely walk the floors to give her a break. How could she hold a mistake, even an albeit costly mistake against him?
Errors and lapses in judgement are common with humans. Our husbands will often go about things in ways we simply would not dream.
What I learned in watching a close friend, was that she always deferred and demurred to her husband and allowed him to lead. Yet, it didn't degrade her relationship in the least, instead it fostered incredible intimacy. They had a level of intimacy that quite honestly made me jealous. Anytime we would get together I would pick her brain trying to understand how their relationship works.
What I learned from her I began to do in my own marriage. Instead of starting arguments I took the high road and ended them before they started by apologizing. What happened next, my husband began asking for my opinion, before he did something. Treating him with more respect for us meant letting go of my superior feelings toward him. It meant trusting him more and slowly him demonstrating how trustworthy he was.
Why it works is basic psychology, we give up control to gain power. Take the situation between our long-term sister in Stepford Mrs Bauor, who felt her husband so incompetent she felt the need to direct him from the moment he woke until he went to bed. Endlessly nagging him about what he wore, the route he picked to drive, where they parked the car, how he brushed his teeth, thee amount of money he spent on incidentals. Mrs Bauor was exhausted from controlling everything. Her husband had begun an affair with a younger woman -- certainly they were headed for divorce.
I introduced Mrs Bauor to Mrs Lowenstein, the two became fast friends, Mrs Bauor saw the way Mrs Lowenstein interacted with her own husband (they had recently married after a long courtship). Mrs Lowenstein stated simply, she never argued with her husband -- and learned long ago to let go of pettiness. Mrs Lowenstein suggested that Mrs Bauor stop at once the nagging and controlling behavior that was evidentially driving her husband away.
She began slowly, in small ways like one day she didn't set out his clothing or pick out his tie. She focused on her household and child rearing duties almost exclusively. She began to ask him about what he wanted to eat for meals and involved him more in the financial process -- until he mostly took it over. He began setting the budget for shopping -- because she asked him to.
He understood much more clearly how much money was being spent, and how much was wasted on things that did not matter. She learned in the process that he was far more responsible than she gave him credit for. Together they rekindled their romance, he ended the affair and together they saved their marriage.
