We are Back!

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association have not abandoned our beliefs, and still thankfully exult the guidelines of true female submission. A humble servant to her husband and family who doesn't subvert his natural authority. What has occurred was a distinct shift in focus away from this "blog" and a renewed focus on what was always most important in our lives -- namely the Men we so willingly serve. Some of us share the view that the men in our life owns everything, including our clothing and are freely able to dictate what we wear. If certain colors or styles please them, or make us appear more attractive to the men in our lives, then we will wear it.

As masters of their castles, we strive to keep their homes neat, organized and always look to them for helpful suggestions to better service their ever evolving needs. We offer service to anyone they invite into their home with a smile and put as much effort into their comfort as we do our men. We believe in many ways we were purchased by our men for this purpose, with as much thought as they place on the vehicles they drive or the homes they allow us to live in. In most cases we came our father's home with very little, save for a trousseau and only if approved by him. Everything else came from our husband, maybe his family, and we gladly accept this. They continue to mold us into the women they most wish us to become. If they are religious we adopt their belief system. We do not impose anything from our previous life, beliefs or ideals our father's held, with us.

Publicly we might refer to our husband as "daddy" as both a show of respect, while acknowledging that we are much like children and rather incapable of handling certain situations without becoming emotionally involved. We hold that we are different from males, especially in this regard and seriously prone to flawed thinking as a result of it. Gladly our husbands do collectively control how our time is spent, what we are allowed to watch and how we behave. Some employ physical corrections, while others cleverly employ other methods, such as standing in a corner, or filling our mouths with honey and telling us to hold it, so we remember that while silence is preferred, but if we do speak, it should be said sweetly without trying to control or manipulate him in any way.

In conclusion, we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association remain respectful and cognizant that not everyone (especially our more zealous feminists sisters) may not agree with our base tenets of submission and servitude to the men in our lives. We respectfully agree to disagree, and to fill our mouths honey and remember that sweetness is preferred. We remain bound to our men and continue to serve them and we are grateful to them for allowing us to express our collective thoughts on matters of import here. Look for some new content as well as some older content updated with some fresh tips for gracious living.

Ask Him, Do not Tell

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe firmly in male led relationships. Our readers often send us links to other "Stepford" communities and ask for our opinion. One we girls read recently had us laughing out loud.

When asking your man for permission to do something, you actually need to ask. Not tell him, you're going to it in a sneaky way by saying something like, 'I’m considering going out, when is a good time you’d like me to be back?”'

Some women quite wrongly believe that couching a "question" with the word 'thinking' or in this case 'considering' makes it easier or softens the blow. Make no mistake that the wife really saying this, "I'm going out". The only thing she's actually asking her man is what time does she need to be back. It's sneaky and subversive, ultimately telling her man that his control only extends to what she feels comfortable with.

How should a proper Stepford Wife handle this? First there should be no emergency trips to the grocery store because a real Stepford wife has all that organized. However, lets suggest that something is wrong with an ingredient. You open that package of chicken and it smells off.

You go to your man and apologize that the chicken you got isn't safe to cook, then you ask your man what you shouid do. He might suggest that you defrost a steak instead. Don't tell him that you're going to the store, would he like you to pick something up while you're out. Again, this isn't asking, but telling him. A good Stepford Wife should ask.

If a girlfriend calls you and asks you to an afternoon of lunch and shopping, you say to her first you'll have to ask your husband.

You begin this conversation with, 'Sir, Melanie phoned about possibly going to lunch and some shopping on Saturday at 12:30pm, would it be okay?' This leaves it up to your man. He has information about who you'll be seeing when you'll be leaving where roughly you're going.

If he likes 'Melanie' and doesn't find her a negative influence, he might reply with "yes". Then you ask the follow up questions. What time would you like me home by? What shouid I eat for lunch and how much shouid I plan on spending? And then ask if you can buy anything. It's actually ok to remind him about upcoming events (like his brother's wedding), that a good sale might be useful for some purchases. In any event, you know how much you can spend on lunch, a good idea of what to order, if you can buy anything or if you're just window shopping, and what time to return home.

if he responds with "no" thank him and telephone 'Melanie' back explaining that you can't make it.

We at the (real) Stepford Wives Association do believe in humble submission to our husbands and eschew the faux submission promoted by closeted women's libbers, under the guise of pretending to be submissive. We believe in showing and demonstrating class in an increasingly lacking world.

 

The Buzz

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association adore the holiday season as its a time to show the men in our lives some extra attention. Our families are the only reason for the season. However, this holiday seems overshadowed with messages about "girl power". It seems in the latest Star Wars film the main character is a girl. While we would never argue that there's anything wrong with this, it seems there's a shift in our society that overlooks men.

We spend so much energy building up the female sex, we've forgotten they're only half the population. While people stand up and cheer that this character won't require rescuing by some other male character, we can't help but to feel slighted.

What's so wrong about portraying men as the leaders and protectors most naturally are? What happens to these girls when they enter the real world and learn not everything revolves around them? Or will the world continue to placate them and dupe them into thinking they're more important than men?

If not every man is fit to be called a leader, why should be assumed that any woman can do it? Why does the girl power thing need to shoved down society's throat at each turn? When will balance be restored to our society, where one gender isn't given preferential treatment over another?

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association do believe that women were made to compliment men, not rule over them. We feel it's a shame that we're made to feel less for not buying into the girl power line of thought.

 

2015

It is a new year full of new beginnings for our membership. We renewed our focus in remaining submissive to our husbands. We, at The (real) Stepford Wives Association would like to thank them for continuing to guide us toward our lofty goal of female perfection.

Gentle reader, do not be put off or misled by the word perfect. Yes, it carries hefty weight, but it's never been about what we think to be perfection, but rather what our husbands view as perfection. The definition is as varied as they are. This year we resolve to be more introspect regarding our individual goals.

During the year, we will be discussing ways to make our homes more enjoyable for our husbands. We hope you'll join us in making 2015 the year for us al to become better wives and eschew what label society hangs on us and become our husband's version of perfection.

We, at The (real) Stepford Wives Association welcome all to 2015, and let's make it a Stepford year.

 

Being a Stepford Wife

We, at the (real) Stepford Wives Association often discuss about being a Stepfrod Wife and how to be the best wife to our husbands. It isn't about being "perfect" but perfect for them. Being the way they wish us to behave, dress, cook and keep house. We are not a "retro" group. We do not surround ourselves with everything from the 1950s or earlier. Sure, some might wear vintage clothing. We prefer modern vacuum cleaners to the ones our Grandmothers used. Of course, hand scrubbing floors is always preferable to other meathods. A little white distilled vinegar, some warm water and your floors will sparkle. Dry the floors as you go to prevent danamge to hardwood.

Good old fashioned elbow grease is always preferable to many modern appliances.

We avoid using food processors for a good set of knives, unless absolutely necessary. However there is one item, our stand mixers and that's used frequently for all the bread, cakes and the Kitchen Aid stand mixer has many attachments, like a juicer, pasta and sausage maker. We appreciate having one good tool that can serve many purposes.

The internet has a wealth of information but if one searches "Being a Stepford Wife" aside from this place you find many blogs or websites just talk about emulating the movie -- not even the book! Wear flowery pastels because that's what the women wore in the movie and never mind if your husband hates that look!

Which brings us to the final point, if we are under their command and authority, who are we to decide what is "Stepford" enough? That's for them to dictate. They demand a clean home, a well-kept wife and mother to their children, as well as sexually satisfying for them. They want a woman to behave as a lady and not try to do his job of being a man. Our communication with our husbands is far stronger than those marriages outside our circle of Stepford. We can truly go to them for any reason at all, especially if we are feeling overwhelmed or bogged down. They empower us, by taking control. Thus placing us in the position to lift their spirits when they're stressed and provide them with love and balance they deserve.

 

From the Past: Gloves

Recently we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association met to catch up on the latest events in our lives. We had a lovely brunch at the home of a fellow Stepford wife and spent time discussing the journal. Eventually the subject turned to television and movies, specifically period pieces from days gone by. Shows like Downton Abbey, movies like Titanic were also mentioned.

We absolutely loath television shows and shun many films, unless it's something our husbands wish to treat us to. Otherwise we are simply too busy to engage. One item that was mentioned was a bit of etiquette surrounding gloves. it seems one of our sisters in Stepford questioned if it was considered proper to eat while wearing gloves as often seen on TV.

Absolutely not! Not ever should a lady wear gloves to eat or drink. At a dance or formal gathering a lady will remove her gloves before accepting a drink or bite to eat, better still a lady would refuse it all together. Opera length gloves should be treated as lingerie and never removed publicly seductively or as though one would do a burlesque. One would remove it discretely before being seated at the table and placed in your bag, or they could rest under your napkin, take care that it doesn't fall or slip from the spot. Some might suggest that you rest them on seat and sit on them while dining, if that can be achieved again discretely it is fine. They are returned after the meal is complete and again without fuss or flourish -- usually in the ladies room after lipstick has been reapplied. Do we need to suggest that you remove them when you use the bathroom? We shouldn't and it should be obvious why.

Different types of gloves and their purpose

Short cotton gloves are generally what one might think of an all-purpose glove. You can wear them while driving, shopping, running errands, meeting your husband for lunch, going to the movies, etc. One never wears gloves while engaged in eating, drinking, or applying makeup. These gloves may only cover the hand, usually with a pearl button at the bottom, or extend to cover the wrist entriely or partially. One never wears a ring of any type over the glove -- it's just tacky.

Lace gloves that extend slightly past the wrist are suitable for outdoor weddings, or other semi-formal events. All the rules apply.

Formal length gloves go to the just the elbow and are reserved for special occassions like social gatherings, formal dances or gala events (such as dinner with the president, a prestigious award ceremony).

Short, formal or opera length gloves are for formal occassions only and can be made from soft kid-leather, silk or satin. The length of gown one wears might provide a clue to length of glove. Tea length gown, shorter gloves, fitted longer gown formal length to the elbow. Extreme formal events opera length with a suitable gown -- it should be noted opera length goes passed the elbow, midway the upper arm -- those extending to the shoulder are passé and often considered gauche. The gloves should only be purchased in three colors, white/off white; taupe, or black. The only exception might be an opera silk or satin glove dyed to match or nicely contrast the gown. A long black glove should never be worn with light pastel dress. A white glove long or opera length can be worn to balance a black dress. In any case the gloves should be snug in fit, but not too tight they appear to cut off circulation or so loose, they gap or fall down the arm (or off the hand).

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association do love our gloves, hats and scarves and hope to see you making the most of them also.

 

Points of Order

Recently, we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, gathered together at a local restaurant to discuss our direction and how we wish to proceed. Many important items were discussed, and our readership continues to grow. We know each us receives email of new posts to our journal, so we keep up with the latest thoughts.

Our journal is not, nor was ever intended to be a how-to guide on being a Stepford Wife. We are not in the business of educating or informing the general public on how we live. We are not aligned with any type of religious doctrine or dogma. Our intent has remained consistent, this place is where we affirm our beliefs and share wisdom.

We struggled with the idea if we should allow comments from the public, while we all agreed it would be nice to hear thoughts from readers outside our circle. Yet, we all agreed that we do not wish to invite discourse or recrimination. Comments on the journal unanimously were declined.

We will continue to affirm what we all truly believe evident about our lives for ourselves and each other.

Taboo Topics

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association routinely shirk political discussions with anyone outside of our husbands but recently a person inquired if our religious beliefs are interwoven with our Stepfordness. The answer to that is no, in fact we are diverse when it comes to religions we do not endorse a particular faith, instead we applaud all women who seek their husband's to be family leaders. Our membership ranges from Jewish, Protestant, a former Roman Catholic turned Atheist and Buddhist. We welcome all who have spiritual connection to faith or none at all; so long as they wish to submit to their husbands authority.

Another question is about the fictional character "Bree" from the ABC show Desperate Housewives. Simply put, we do not feel Bree is a Stepford Wife because she refused to submit to her husband. We do submit to our husbands and everything we do is for them. We respect their authority and never question them or behave hostilely toward them. While the character of Bree seems adept at cooking, cleaning and smiling -- all while wearing pearls; she will not submit and uses her smile with other abilities to control rather than enhance her husband. In the simplest of terms Bree is a control freak and that is not Stepford.

We do not submit for biblical reasons we submit because it's right to do. We support the values of those who do, but it is not a reason we look for. We submit because our husbands are worthy of it. They lead and guide us in all ways and we are happy they do.

Etiquette

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, believe strongly in wholesome family values. Our husbands lead the home and we couldn't be happier to exist under their thumb. They might seem heavy-handed or even harsh. We do not see them that way in the least. In fact, we welcome their often critical views and adopt their world view as our own.

We dress, not for other women or our church; we dress for our men and if our men love to see our cleavage it's for them. We do not worry that we are inviting temptation or leers of strangers. The idea that men are unable to control their desires is something we find ridiculous. So the woman who cover their bodies in ugly jumpers and wear leggings for modesty so they don't accidentally show a leg is equally silly in our view. We dress for our husbands PERIOD!

On occasion we are invited to "women-only" events or parties and we must RSVP, as required by social norms and rules of etiquette. Social norms have changed greatly since our mother and grandmother's day. Things that were once shunned are rather commonplace -- like people living together without marriage or having babies out of wedlock. Generally, we take these with a case-by-case approach. What goes on with consenting adults is none of our concern.

Today, the lines are blurred and we are often stymied as to what is appropriate. Recently speaking, a few of us were invited to a baby shower for a sixteen year old girl. The proud papa has already given up his future parental rights and the girl has decided to keep her baby. The Grandmother-to-be is hosting the shower. We were torn as to what to do. Do we simply attend and pretend this is something to be happy about? The wish-list is completely outrageous as well. The girl wants her mother's well-meaning friends and family to outfit the whole nursery, complete with top-of-the-line accessories. This still wet-behind-the-ears, never worked a day in her life girl also wants money to continue her education.

We at The (real) Stepford Wives applaud the right to choose! If this girl were an older young woman, with a job or at least a college degree, we would offer our support. If she were getting married, we would offer our support. Just because we remain supportive of choice doesn't mean we must pander to everyone else. The girl in question decided not to abort and that was her choice -- she also rather selfishly decided to keep her baby and try to play house by raising it herself. Another choice.

The best thing for this baby would be adoption and not the kind of adoption where the birth mother strings along an adoptive parent to care for her child until she decides when the baby is no longer a baby to take the child back. No, an adoption where the child is placed -- and it is done quickly so that the teenager can move forward with her life.

We each sent our regrets to the shower in question and it's doubtful our lack of presence was noticed. We did send a gift after the baby was born -- the grandmother sent out announcements. We do wish that young baby-mother the very best -- but we cannot condone this. We celebrate the baby -- not the mother.

 

Seen but Never Heard

We at The (real) Stepford Wvies Association believe our husbands are entitled to whatever they wish -- we suppose what they most often crave is quiet. It is incumbent upon us to spend most of time waiting to be useful to them and not be a bother. Idle chatter is distracting for our husbands. They spend hours of the day dealing with things we simply cannot comprehend but we also must adapt and learn to curb our enthusiasm when they return home.

Sometimes we do have important things to share with them, but the reality is most days those things can wait. It's important and we cannot stress this enough to spend plenty of time looking our best. We should be eye candy and not flapping away about something trivial.

When we are escorted by our husband out for an evening, we proudly shine like a bauble for their pleasure. When we serve our husbands dinner, we do so much like a good maid would. Quietly! And we take it rather personally when we leave something out, we know they would ask for. We make no excuses or yell that we know or it's coming -- but we apologize and quickly get the missing item.

During outtings with our husbands we remain quiet and wait for them to speak to us. We are always free to ask questions or make a request -- such as on a hot day to ask for water, but we do always try to see to their needs before our own. We arrange things the way they like them -- for example in restaurants it's common for the table to be cluttered -- we remove those things to an adjacent table if we know our husbands will not touch them.

My husband will often order iced tea with lunch -- I immediately when the waiter brings it, begin adding the sweetener he likes and squeeze the lemon. Then I serve it to him. Same with coffee at the end of the meal -- it is placed the way he likes it by me.

Remaining quiet is difficult, yet it's also rewarding because it makes our husbands very happy and proud. We always want them to be proud. Endless prattle is not how we gain their approval. We gain it through our silence and submission.

 

Everything Old is New Again

We at The (real) Stepford Wives delight in providing our families with the best. This means today shopping for organic foods -- recently in our town we noticed a local co-op dairy began offering home delivery of dairy products. Our husbands did not hesitate to sign us up for this time saving service. They deliver six days a week.

On their first delivery dropped off a cooler and a very simple order sheet and left us with four quarts of milk in pretty glass jugs. Just like in days gone by. We can order cheeses yogurts, cream and butter! All delivered fresh each morning. Naturally all those things aren't delivered daily -- but the overall convenience is well worth it.

The cost is reasonable saving us time, limiting running to the store for a scant few items, which in turn leaves more time for cleaning! The added bonus for us is the milk is organic and raised without antibiotics or steroids. The chickens are certified organic and cage free. The quality is amazing and the peace of mind knowing that our items aren't trucked across the country or even hundreds of miles and left of a loading dock for only Lord knows how long is worth small price.

Now it seems we benefit greatly from our local farmers market -- a bounty of foods and we have begun the process of laying in food for the winter. Canning and dehydrating vegetables and fruits so enjoy during the cooler months. Additionally we are starting to make stocks for upcoming winter months and checking our butcher shop for specials our families enjoy. End of summer means planning for winter months. The canning, freezing and preserving will continue until late fall.

Stocking up the pantry, which by now is wearing thin is always a good idea as summer begins to ebb into fall, in the coming months stores will begin running specials on items like flour, baking powder, salt -- etc. Stocking up means taking advantage of these savings and deciding how much will be needed to get through until next summer -- white unbleached flour will last about a year -- other types of flour have a shorter shelf life. Packaged yeast can be frozen. Cake yeast cannot -- depending how much baking you do that is the one item not to over-stock.

Making your own pancake mix can save time on busy school mornings.

Mix together

6 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda (check expiration date first)

3 teaspoons baking powder

1 tablespoon kosher salt

2 tablespoons sugar

Store in an airtight container for up to three months -- shake container before using.

When it's time to make pancankes add in

2 eggs, separated

2 cups buttermilk

4 tablespoons melted butter

2 cups "Instant" Pancake Mix, recipe above

1 stick butter, for greasing the pan

2 cups fresh fruit such as blueberries, if desired

Heat an electric griddle or frying pan to 350 degrees F. Heat oven to 200 degrees F.

Whisk together the egg whites and the buttermilk in a small bowl. In another bowl, whisk the egg yolks with the melted butter.

Combine the buttermilk mixture with the egg yolk mixture in a large mixing bowl and whisk together until thoroughly combined. Pour the liquid ingredients on top of the pancake mix. Using a whisk, mix the batter just enough to bring it together. Don't try to work all the lumps out.

Check to see that the griddle is hot by placing a few drops of water onto to the griddle. The griddle is ready if the water dances across the surface.

Lightly butter the griddle. Wipe off thoroughly with a paper towel. (No butter should be visible.)

Gently ladle the pancake batter onto the griddle and sprinkle on fruit if desired. When bubbles begin to set around the edges of the pancake and the griddle-side of the cake is golden, gently flip the pancakes. Continue to cook 2 to 3 minutes or until the pancake is set.

Serve immediately or remove to a towel-lined baking sheet and cover with a towel. Hold in a warm place for 20 to 30 minutes. Yield around 12.

Tip: Batter can be stored in refrigerator over-night but subsequent pancakes are a little thinner.

Sample week

Sunday: Eggs with Sausage, toast, fresh mango or papaya. Or if winter canned peaches or apricots

Monday: Pancakes, banana slices, ham fresh orange juice

Tuesday: Easy Risers -- Fluffy scrambled egg, mixed with cheddar cheese and topped with Canadian bacon on whole wheat English muffin.

Wednesday: Pancakes with fruit like frozen blueberries.

Thursday: Bacon and eggs, fruit juice, whole grain bread

Friday: last of pancake batter, with eggs and left-over meats.

Saturday: Egg bake with ham, cheese (makes a great after school snack too).

For the egg bake:

1 cup fully cooked ham, cut into small pieces

2 cups shredded cheese our family loves smoked Gouda.

1/4 cup Parmesan Cheese

1 tablespoon flour

1/4 teaspoon Italian Seasoning or Cajun Seasoning for zip

1/4 teaspoon pepper, divided in half

1/4 cup butter, melted

12 eggs

1 cup milk, half-and-half or whipping cream

1/2 tablespoon Dijon mustard

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and lightly spray a 13x9 baking dish with cooking spray

Cut ham and add to large bowl

Add shredded cheese, Parmesan cheese, flour, seasoning and 1/8 teaspoon pepper, combine and pour into baking dish evenly

Melt butter and pour over ham mixture

In a large measuring cup, add 1 cup milk or cream, break eggs into measuring cup, add Dijon mustard and 1/8 teaspoon pepper, whisk well

Pour over ham mixture

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes or until a knife inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Optional: sprinkle casserole with more cheese and return to oven for a couple minutes until cheese is melted and bubbly

You can also easily divide this recipe or double it as needed.

As prepared serves 8, halved serves roughly 4.

Take it Slow

To live in a world where only one trip to the store a week was needed!

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe in being well organized, we do not believe, and our husbands would never approve of being wasteful, only buying enough food for several days. We believe in making lists -- in fact we do not shop without a list. We consider it wrong to leave the home dressed is dungarees; the way our mothers would frown on being seeing seen in public with their hair in curlers. We are a direct reflection of our husbands.

With our list in our sometimes gloved hand, we walk slowly down each aisle. Paying deep attention to both sides. We never want to appear rushed. Our lists are constructed in a specific order based on the store. Each store has its own way of arranging where items are located. Some stores actually offer a map to savvy customers of the store's layout. Knowing exactly what is on each shelf saves time. So, while we walk slowly with purpose, we never forget anything or miss an item so we have to back track.

We do not always begin at the start of store, many of us choose to begin at the meat counter, before moving to the produce section. these, often are rarely within the same proximity. However beginning at the butcher or meat counter is best, since your produce selections might be altered if you discover lamb chops are on special -- and it's your husband's favorite. You might decide to add some mint -- which means returning to the produce section. However if you begin in the butcher counter, then move to produce.

You'll be happy you tried it.

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association feel its best to make your list as you use things and check the cabinets before you leave. Keep the reusable shopping bags handy, as you walk out the door. Also, if you use a smart phone, it can be a good place to keep your lists.

Mrs Peter Lowenstein

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe strongly that marriage is a wonderful institution. When we married our husbands we were no longer simply "Becki Jones" or 'Stefanie Goodhead' we became Mrs. Peter Lowenstein and Mrs Barnaby Singleton. We are proud of our husbands names and wear them proudly. Their monogram is our own. Some years ago a major department chain announced they would,refer to guests as Mr or Ms., and this was met with a public outcry.

We would argue fervently the chain was correct sales clerks do no know us personally and referring to us by our first name alone is a bit too personal. Some groups said the idea was antiquated and terribly out of date. Let us make something clear, they only reason they know our names at all is because they got them off our credit card. They didn't ask for friendship and we aren't looking for a friend either. We are there simply to shop.

We went to our husbands and asked for their thoughts on this distressing subject. Their personal approach was varied. Some insisted on giving their wives cash for daily purchases, while others took a different approach instead reordering all the cards in their name only. When paying, they sign add the obligatory "Mrs" to their name on the receipt. Occasionally this was met with opposition. Banks and card issuers didn't care much for this approach -- and it can cause problems for our husbands as well -- if the credit number is corrupted, the issuer can say that he somehow authorized an illegal purchase. It simply creates more problems than its worth.

The best way this is handled is to carry cash for mundane purchases while our husband's provide escort for larger purchases that require a card. This also assures that our husbands approve of the purchase. it's a win! No longer are we plagued by pesky sales people towing the corporate line under the guise of being "friendly".

It solidifies the fact that our name is really their name and we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association wouldn't want it any other way!

 

Together

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association would like send many kind and happy returns to one of our founding members. She's hosting tonight her first important business dinner. We know she'll shine in true Stepford style that she exemplifies.

This member has had more than her share of interlopers trying to undermine her happy home, but with some deep perseverance and downright Stepford tenacity she won.

Kudos to you, kudos!

 

 

How to: Stepford

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association feel strongly that providing a quiet home when our husbands return home from work is of utmost import. Before what we refer to as "zero" hour, we take a few moments first to make certain dinner is under control, our home is tidy, table set and his favorite beverage is chilled and waiting for him. During the shortened days of winter, we make sure our foyer is lit, porch light is on, soft lights or candles are lit (unscented only dears -- dinner and you should be the best smelling things in the house).

After our 'ducks are lined up,' we dash upstairs to retouch our makeup, ask nicely that children wash up for dinner. Sometimes we have been known to change our clothing, apply a dab of perfume, fix our hair, etc. the reality is this should only take a few minutes. We also slip into our sexy shoes.

Back in the kitchen, we keep the meal hot, listening carefully for the sound of the lock hitting the door.

When he arrives, we greet him warmly with his beverage. We help him off with his coat, take his briefcase and put those things away. If he asks any questions, "what's for dinner," we smile and answer him warmly. We always let him know how long before the meal. We freshen his drink, help him out of shoes, replacing them with his slippers. We keep the house quiet, we never discuss our day. We do ask them about their day. If the reply is a grumble we instantly let them know how thrilled we are to see them and have them home. We do not gush over them.

If dinner is more than a few minutes away, we offer our husbands an appetizer. Something to nibble on while they relax.

We serve them dinner, we do not worry about our meal, they always come first.

After dinner, we make sure our husbands are settled. Then we quietly begin to clean up, listening carefully in case they need us.

If our husband invites us to sit, we do and listen intently to whatever he wishes to share. If he mentions a coworker's birthday we offer to purchase a gift and card, or to bake a cake. If those are refused, we still make note of the day to remind him. There might be a social obligation coming up or an important meeting where he might need something cleaned.

If he wishes to simply unload about his day, we listen actively. When he's finished we offer to refill his beverage, hand him the remote control or whatever would please him and discretely and above all quietly, return to our chores. Depending on his mood, if there is something that does require their attention, it can be brought up, only after he is finished saying what he needs to say. Ask permission and don't just dive in with a laundry list of 'honey do' projects. Mention the one or two, which are most important or urgent. The rest can simply wait.

We go to bed, when our husbands do and dress for bed in whatever brings them the most pleasure. We open ourselves to our husbands for their pleasure only. If they are too exhausted from their day to make love, it is our job to offer alternatives, such as oral pleasures or being on top.

It is very important they are in control of the sexual act. Even if we are on top of them, they control the speed and how we move to maximize their pleasure -- not our own selfish pleasures. We have no sexual needs to be met and we feel most fulfilled and satisfied when they are happy and content.

To Thine Own Self...

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, understand thoroughly that we can only control our behavior and influence our children's behavior. We cannot control other adults in our lives. This includes our girlfriends, sisters, family and above all else, our husbands. We spend our energies on things, which are important to us. We clean, we cook, we run errands and we are there for our husbands -- because this is what matters. We do not have careers outside the home -- and we do not look down on those who do (please extend us a similar courtesy). Our homes are our careers and our life experiences come not from the evening news, but from our own backyard.

It is not that we don't care about the outside world, but there really isn't much we could do to effect change. Angry letters to politicians and political pundits will only get us so far. We instead devote ourselves to the things we can achieve -- rather than unobtainable pie-in-the-sky dreams. We can and do achieve a clean house, relatively germ and allergen free, we help to raise thoughtful children who are courteous. We are blessed to live in nice homes...why shouldn't they shine? Our husbands work very hard to provide for us a good life. We are not wealthy. We believe in being frugal with money and live within our means. Our husbands set the standard and the budget and we never question his purchases.

We cannot be responsible for what our husbands think, we are not in anyway accountable for their actions. We are only accountable for our own, which are defined by them!

Our homes are our domaine and our famiy's sanctuary, which we strive to make it comfortable. We dress only for our husbands, some of whom pick out our clothing. We put on makeup, fix our hair and wear perfume, even if we do not leave our homes. Before our husbands return home from work, we do make a point to freshen up our appearance. We also take a few minutes to tidy the house. Our husbands certainly appreciate the efforts.

When we do need to leave our homes, we only do so with our husband's expressed permission. When we shop, we move slowly through the store and neatly arrange items into our cart. We are to never appear rushed or harried. You will absolutely never ever find one of us running through a store in our pj's tossing items into the basket.

We offer our husbands sexual pleasure on their schedule alone. When they want it, we open ourselves up to them. Orgasm is their right, not ours. Do not misunderstand this, our husbands want us sexually satisfied, but they do not worry about it. If it happens for us, wonderful but it is our purpose to give them the pleasure they deserve.

We enjoy pleasing our husbands orally and do not expect it to be reciprocal. We prepare healthful meals, with our husband's dietary needs placed first, then those of our children. Some might lament, how unfair! We disagree with that philosophy, because our needs fall squarely in between them.

An Exercise in Patience

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe whole-heartily in real world examples of why we came to live the Stepford way. While some might "cherry pick" ideals they find repulsive or that go against the grain of their feminist beliefs, if they carefully read through these pages they will have a deeper understanding of how we have chosen to live our lives.

One exercise we found terribly useful was to write down, physically putting pen to paper, 5 ways we tried to control our husbands.

After we asked them to answer the following for each, what would happen if you suddenly gave up control on each of those things? What would happen? Would the world stop revolving? Well, we agree that would not be the outcome -- but the question remains what is the worst thing that would happen? How do you think your husband feels when you correct him or nag him?

Once you recognize this is really about fears, terrifying and often debilitating fear, you begin to gain the courage to face your fears. Let go slowly each of those things on your list. Begin apologizing when you catch yourself doing them (remember girls Rome wasn't built in a day).

Next write down what were the qualities that you husband possessed during your courtship that made you wish to marry him the first place? Did you go into the marriage with the notion that he'd be perfect once you changed him?

If the answer is yes, then we have nothing further to discuss -- you may stop reading content in your superior knowledge; please continue emasculating your husband since it allows you to feel better about yourself.

However if by chance you married your husband without the intent to change him, but simply lost your way and want to change the behavior then these pages are for you.

Earlier this year while meeting a good friend for coffee, as I listened carefully to my friend's lamentations about her husband. It seemed she was concerned with leaving the baby home alone With her husband. Because, you know, he's a man and stupid. As I listened it occurred to me that it could have been me saying this. What was the worst thing that could happen? The child's meal might be late? The diaper might explode? The truth is she was simply afraid of letting go of her control. She had the upper hand in their relationship or at least that part of it. But with all that concern and worry, she was denying herself a carefree afternoon.

Most women control their husbands because they're afraid their needs will go unmet.

When I pointed this out to her, she scoffed. But a week or so later, she phoned me, and wanted to meet again. We met with some of our Stepford sisters, and discussed freely our ideals. I believe it was Mrs Lowenstein who pointed out that she will never know what my friend's husband is capable of, until she let go of her fear and find out, by sitting back. She went on to explain she'll never know the man she married, unless she stops controlling and manipulating outcomes.

In the end, my friend discovered that she could better meet her own needs, when she let go of trying to control her husband. Now this friend has immersed herself into the Stepford way of life. Her home is cleaner, her children happier and husband more fulfilled. Her needs are now easily met. She learned that when she dominated her husband, it ebbed her fears and made her feel safe. Taking the time to give up that control, she learned her husband could indeed protect her.

For her birthday, her husband purchased a diamond earrings. Completely on his own without her advice, something he would never have dared to do before.

How and Why the Stepford Way Works

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association, learned early on what we needed to do, foster the confidence back into our husbands, which we ourselves were responsible for damaging. When we decided and became determined to change our lives and those of our husbands, it began in small steps. The first was suppressing the need to simply take over a task. Once my husband was hanging a shelf. He had approached the activity in a way that made sense to him. Now, in my old days I might have attempted to correct him. To tell him flat out he was doing it wrong. To take over. After all, I had hung shelves myself.

In the end, despite my misgivings the shelf was indeed fine, perfectly level. He'd just had a different process for getting a similar result.

The first step in the way of the Stepford wife way is to when you roll your eyes, which is very unbecoming, apologize at once. If you begin to criticize your husband for any reason, stop and apologize. Tell him why your sorry. "I apologize for trying to tell you (how to hang the shelf, help your child with homework, how he handles the finances)...."

Next you carefully listen to his reply.

Now the urge to validate your criticism...or to minimize it, will be strong by saying, "It's just I've hung shelves before...Little Timmy is sensitive...it's just I pay all the bills on paydays."

Do not do this!

When you do that, you're being disrespectful again. And you'll have to apologize again. Listen carefully to his reply, then echo back what he says so he knows you heard him, and so it sinks into your own thick head. Don't add anything else and let it drop. If anyone must hear your complaints, let it be your sisters who understand that your husband is not some careless cad.

In our first meetings, the very women who would become my sisters in Stepford, discussed in some detail transgressions of our husbands -- well, to put it indelicately ridiculous behavior. One pulled down expensive window shades, hung them outside and used the garden hose to clean them. While they were indeed ruined, we reminded her this was the same man who waited on her hand and foot while she was pregnant and ordered on bed rest. After their child was born he would routinely walk the floors to give her a break. How could she hold a mistake, even an albeit costly mistake against him?

Errors and lapses in judgement are common with humans. Our husbands will often go about things in ways we simply would not dream.

What I learned in watching a close friend, was that she always deferred and demurred to her husband and allowed him to lead. Yet, it didn't degrade her relationship in the least, instead it fostered incredible intimacy. They had a level of intimacy that quite honestly made me jealous. Anytime we would get together I would pick her brain trying to understand how their relationship works.

What I learned from her I began to do in my own marriage. Instead of starting arguments I took the high road and ended them before they started by apologizing. What happened next, my husband began asking for my opinion, before he did something. Treating him with more respect for us meant letting go of my superior feelings toward him. It meant trusting him more and slowly him demonstrating how trustworthy he was.

Why it works is basic psychology, we give up control to gain power. Take the situation between our long-term sister in Stepford Mrs Bauor, who felt her husband so incompetent she felt the need to direct him from the moment he woke until he went to bed. Endlessly nagging him about what he wore, the route he picked to drive, where they parked the car, how he brushed his teeth, thee amount of money he spent on incidentals. Mrs Bauor was exhausted from controlling everything. Her husband had begun an affair with a younger woman -- certainly they were headed for divorce.

I introduced Mrs Bauor to Mrs Lowenstein, the two became fast friends, Mrs Bauor saw the way Mrs Lowenstein interacted with her own husband (they had recently married after a long courtship). Mrs Lowenstein stated simply, she never argued with her husband -- and learned long ago to let go of pettiness. Mrs Lowenstein suggested that Mrs Bauor stop at once the nagging and controlling behavior that was evidentially driving her husband away.

She began slowly, in small ways like one day she didn't set out his clothing or pick out his tie. She focused on her household and child rearing duties almost exclusively. She began to ask him about what he wanted to eat for meals and involved him more in the financial process -- until he mostly took it over. He began setting the budget for shopping -- because she asked him to.

He understood much more clearly how much money was being spent, and how much was wasted on things that did not matter. She learned in the process that he was far more responsible than she gave him credit for. Together they rekindled their romance, he ended the affair and together they saved their marriage.

Mommy Dearest

One of the most common questions asked to those of us in The (real) Stepford Wives Association is how did we decide to hand over control to our husbands. It started with noticing how our husbands reacted when we corrected them about, oh just about anything. Immediately without realizing we turned into their Mothers. At least that's how they saw us for a moment or three. It reminded them of their teen years. Even though they never outwardly complained about it, their reaction was to rather shut down. The reality we learned once our behavior stopped, was that they felt emasculated.

When we stopped correcting them, we noticed their personal confidence soared in most unexpected ways. When we corrected them, they felt defeated if only for a few minutes and reverted back to angry teens. They believed nothing they did was correct. They didn't think we trusted them to make good decisions -- just like their mothers.

The problem is the mothers did this out of strong maternal love -- no mother wants to see their child make mistakes. The urge to insulate their children from their own errors, some which are needed for growth. But what is our excuse for this behavior toward our husbands?

Before we stopped, our husbands collectively were spending many hours away from home (read: away from us). They would fritter away their time, on golf courses, at work, the gym, working on junker cars -- any place we were not.

The truth is we each married clever, capable men and when we stopped nagging, pestering and correcting them, they found renewed interest in us. We were again the women they married and vowed to spend their lives with.

Remember our men don't want to make love to their mothers. They wanted a woman who is respectful of their authority, where they can shine and where we shine along side them.

What We Never Discuss

There are subjects we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association never discuss in any setting, aside from privately with our husbands. We never speak to each other or anyone else within or outside our circle about religion, politics or matters of finances. We do not ever discuss money with each other, our husband's salaries. We know better than to ask about the cost of our homes, cars, furniture or clothing.

When we brunch we divide the bill and tip in an equatable fashion, so beverages, tip and meal are covered.

What we do discuss are topics like our Stepford ways, we share cleaning tips, plan social gatherings and meal ideas. We discuss our children and arrange playdates. We discuss clothing, makeup and hair. We remain supportive to each other.

Recently, our country held a general election, to pick amongst other officials our next president. Some of us chose to simply hand over our ballots to our husbands, not because we cannot be trusted or because we are uninformed, but because our husbands share our core beliefs and our ballots would likelly be identical anyway.

We trust completely our husbands to make informed decisions. We trust them with all matters regarding our finances, if something is broken, they decide how it should be repaired. If there is an issue, we go to them for advice, why on earth wouldn't we trust them with our ballot?

The truth is we have no such concerns.