The Stepford Holiday

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association believe in the perfect holiday season. Our homes sparkle with tasteful decorations with our live tree as the center-piece. Our Christmas and holiday greeting cards were written, addressed and ready for mail on the 1st of December, complete with a photographic collage of memories. Each card is handwritten with a personal reflection to the recipient. We never ever use a computer (although we love our computers) letter generically filled with annual goings on. These, we feel not only are far too impersonal, tacky and lazy.

A personal message might be something, "It was wonderful spending time with you at our family reunion this year." and include something personal -- like about picking flowers or a meal prepared. It's far better to include a personal and individual message than to write to everyone on photocopied paper, we attended a family reunion -- it was fun.

Our homes get a once-over, cabinets cleared -- canned goods and other foods donated to worthy causes. Space is made for the goodies we bake daily during the season, betwix our cleaning and shopping schedules. We already put up our preserves, which can be used for homemade gifts, as well as family treats.

If you attend a holiday function at a friend or relative's home, we believe it is completely appropriate to not only bring a bottle of good wine, but also a basket of baked breakfast goods, such as muffins or scones. Now, the basket should be presented more discretely, for the hostess' eyes only. A day or so after the party, drop by the residence with a nice thank you note in hand; good taste should dictate the basket returned to you.

If, for any reason your husband disagrees, or wishes to keep your muffins for just yourselves, accept it as a lovely compliment and defer to his wishes.

What We Never Discuss

There are subjects we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association never discuss in any setting, aside from privately with our husbands. We never speak to each other or anyone else within or outside our circle about religion, politics or matters of finances. We do not ever discuss money with each other, our husband's salaries. We know better than to ask about the cost of our homes, cars, furniture or clothing.

When we brunch we divide the bill and tip in an equatable fashion, so beverages, tip and meal are covered.

What we do discuss are topics like our Stepford ways, we share cleaning tips, plan social gatherings and meal ideas. We discuss our children and arrange playdates. We discuss clothing, makeup and hair. We remain supportive to each other.

Recently, our country held a general election, to pick amongst other officials our next president. Some of us chose to simply hand over our ballots to our husbands, not because we cannot be trusted or because we are uninformed, but because our husbands share our core beliefs and our ballots would likelly be identical anyway.

We trust completely our husbands to make informed decisions. We trust them with all matters regarding our finances, if something is broken, they decide how it should be repaired. If there is an issue, we go to them for advice, why on earth wouldn't we trust them with our ballot?

The truth is we have no such concerns.

In Public with our Husbands

We at The (real) Stepford Wives Association enjoy nothing more than being out in public with our husbands. Usually the evening before our husbands will make mention of an outing. Our prep begins the evening before. We get everything organized. Depending on the outing or occasion we might pack a picnic basket with tea sandwiches, maybe fruit salad, some water for a typical daytime outing. While a evening out with our man might involve wearing sexy lingerie and his favorite sexy dress. Of course, we wear our pearl necklaces and perfume.

 

Whatever the occasion, our husbands lead us. If we say something careless we apologize at once. Our husbands set the tone, they determine where we go, what we eat, if we have a before dinner cocktail or appetizer (or both). When the appetizer (if our husband orders one) we always serve him first and wait to be invited to taste. We don't assume that it's allowed. When they entree arrives, we thank our husband first. Then we wait for permission to eat and match their eating. In other words, if our husbands eat quickly, we do as well. Most of the time they take their time.

 

There is no greater pleasure than to be out with our men!

Out of the Home

It's rather important to understand we at The (real) Stepford Wives Association do not spend all hours of the day cooking and cleaning. We also spend time with our children, organizing bake sales, shuttling them to after school activities and of course shopping.

While we are out in public, we must conduct ourselves a certain way. We dress only for our husbands in whatever they would find pleasing. While we are out in public without them, we walk slowly and smile, but are careful not and by not, we mean ever make any kind of eye contact with man. We believe this sends the wrong the message that somehow we're interested in what they have to say.

Walking slowly is possibly the most difficult part of being Stepford. We must walk slowly. We do not rush through the grocery store at breakneck speed. We take it slow. We scrutinize each purchases. When we rush, we forget things. Not very Stepford at all -- When we take our time we tend to get everything we need in one pass through the market. Rather than spending and wasting time back tracking. We believe it's important to carry a good shopping list and enough cash to cover the purchases. If something is neglected, it's written down on a new list.

Which brings us to another subject, smart phones. We now routinely make our lists on our phones rather than paper. There are many apps to aid in this and some are free. We encourage all Stepfords to check them out. Once a week we go through cabinets and take note on what we need or might want to cook in the coming week. We make our lists accordingly. Does the chicken we plan to serve on Wednesday require overnight marinating? We need to plan carefully for this. Is there enough bread or luncheon meats to last the week? Some cold meats begin to taste gamy if kept for more than a few days. Smoked luncheon meats will last a day or so longer but contain nitrates. Premade salads only last a few days before they become wet or snaily. We find it's best to buy these things more than once per week.